Evil Words
by razory
Summary: Fowley, knives, and Mentos. Have no sense of humour? Don't read. ;)
1. Doom!

AN: I wrote this when I was in 7th grade. Seriously. Don't worry, I've improved since then. Go read another one of my stories *evil laugh*  
  
Disclaimer: I am violating copyright laws. FUN, isn't it? Go away.  
  
EVIL WORDS  
Muahahahah!!!!!!!  
  
SCENE ONE  
COSMIC DISCO  
MIDNIGHT  
  
(People are dancing. Half of the people in the room are also drunk! So people are dancing and they're drunk!! Isn't that against the law or something? Oops.....)  
  
FRED: Hahahaha!!! I had too much to drink!! And I'm holding a knife!! Isn't that dumb? But hey, I'm a killer! I'm not supposed to have a brain!!   
  
JANE: Hey Fred, why are you carrying a knife?? You're drunk!!  
  
FRED: I don't know!!! It's just there!!! And I didn't actually drink anything, and I'm drunk!! Isn't that weird? Hey, don't fall on the knife. It hurts when stuff hits you.  
  
JANE: Really? Cool!! Oh no!! I'm falling on the knife!! NOOO!!!! PAIN!!!! AUGHH!!!!  
  
(Jane falls on knife)  
  
FRED: Aw crap!! That wasn't even my fault!! Hey she's here bleeding on the floor gasping her killer's name!! Better leave!! Bye Jane!!!  
  
SCENE TWO  
THE OFFICE OF MULDER AND SCULLY  
9:00 AM  
  
(Mulder is throwing pencils at ceiling. Scully walks in)  
  
Scully: Mulder, why are you throwing pencils at the ceiling??? I thought you got over that a long time ago!!!  
  
Mulder: (hides pencils in drawer) You saw no pencils... it was um.... uh..... sugar packets!! Yeah!! That's it!!! OHMIGOD!! SUGAR!! REPRESSED MEMORIES!!! SAMANTHA!!! AUGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Scully: (rolls eyes) It's okay, Mulder.  
  
Mulder: NO IT'S NOT!!!! IT'S NEVER OKAY!!!   
  
Scully: Here ya go Mulder! (Hands Mulder cup of cinnamon coffee) Drink up!!!  
  
Mulder: AUUGHHH---(takes coffee and drinks it) Hee hee... cinnamon!  
  
Scully: So, Mulder, what's the case for today?  
  
Mulder: Um... some girl was found in a disco with a knife in her back. She was bleeding.  
  
Scully: (sarcastically) REALLY, Mulder? I didn't know people BLED when they got STABBED. Hey I know! Let's go bowling!  
  
Mulder: Okay!  
  
(They skip off happily to go bowling)  
  
SCENE THREE  
DUMPSTER AKA DIANA FOWLEY'S APARTMENT  
THREE MINUTES LATER  
  
(The Foul One is sitting on a box in her apartment. There is trash all over the floor, and various vodka bottles)  
  
TFO: Hey, how did this vodka bottle get here? I don't remember drinking anything but I'm drunk! That's weird....  
  
(Knock at door)  
TFO: It must be Mulder, come to show his true feelings for me!!!   
  
(TFO opens door)  
  
TFO: Oh great... not you again.   
  
CSM: (takes long drag on cigarette) We must find Mulder.  
  
TFO: Why????  
  
CSM: We just do!! Don't ask questions....(mutters under breath) Ditz.   
  
TFO: I heard that!! And it's not true!! I have rights too!!!   
  
CSM: Sure ya do. *cough cough* We must act quickly!  
  
SCENE FOUR  
BOWLING ALLEY  
THREE MINUTES LATER  
  
(Mulder and Scully are bowling. All of a sudden, TFO appears out of nowhere)  
  
TFO: (way too sweetly) Hi Mulder!!! I knew you loved me!  
  
Mulder: What the heck are you doing here??? Go away!! Your cheap perfume is making me sick!  
  
TFO: Hey, what's this? (picks up a bowling ball) Hey it's heavy!! I wonder what will happen if I drop this on my foot?  
  
SCULLY: Go ahead and try it. Scientific experiments are always good.  
  
TFO: Yeah! Sientfic Spearment!!   
  
MULDER: Don't drop the ball on your foot. It hurts when stuff hits you.  
  
TFO: Really? Cool!! (drops ball on foot) AUGHH!! OWOWOWOWOWOW!!!!!!! PAIN!!!! (passes out)  
  
SCULLY: There ya go Mulder. Christmas present from me to you.  
  
MULDER: Thanks Scully!!! Hey, let's go and check out the girl that bleeds!  
  
SCULLY: Okay!  
  
SCENE FIVE  
COSMIC DISCO  
THREE MINUTES LATER  
  
(The disco is deserted except for one guy standing forlornly where Jane was)  
  
MULDER: Were you here on the 32 of November at 25:00?  
  
FRED: Yeah... why?  
  
SCULLY: We're FBI Agents  
  
FRED: You're not FBI Agents!!   
  
MULDER: And why is that?  
  
FRED: Cuz you look like Avon Salespeople! Hey, can I buy one of those ceramic clowns? My grandma collects them.  
  
MULDER: We don't have those.   
  
FRED: Then you must be FBI agents!! I didn't do it!!! The cat didn't move!!! I tried to stop it but it didn't move!!!  
  
SCULLY: What?  
  
FRED: Nothing. So why are you questioning me? What did I do this time??  
  
MULDER: We're investigating the death of Jane Dough.   
  
FRED: Oh yeah.. her... I DIDN't DO IT!!!   
  
SCULLY: It's okay Fred. Want some Mentos?  
  
FRED: Sure!! (eats some Mentos) Hey, I feel dizzy!! Ha ha! Kinda like when Jane fell on the knife!!! Hee hee!! Hey... waitasecond!!   
  
SCULLY: Truth serum. Works every time.  
  
SCENE FIVE  
McRONALDS  
THREE MINUTES LATER  
  
(Mulder, Scully, and Fred are sitting at a table. Fred is drunk, although he didn't drink anything. Isn't that weird?)  
  
FRED: (laughing uncontrollably) So then I sez to him, no that's not my monkey!! So then he sez, that's got to be your monkey!! You chopped off it's nose yesterday!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!   
  
SCULLY; (rolls eyes) This kid needs to be put to sleep.   
  
MULDER: Hey, isn't that Fowley?  
  
(Fowley and CSM walk in)  
  
TFO: (walks over to the table) WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY CHILD???  
  
------------  
If you think *this* is bad, wait till you read the next part.. 


	2. Even Worse Doom!

Disclaimer: They're not mine, and someday they may be, but right now, they're not. So there. Go fall off a cliff.  
  
EVIL WORDS 2/2  
  
Zombie: As you may remember, we left our characters at McRonalds, and TFO has just walked up Mulder, Scully, and Fred's table, and said "What are you doing with my son??". You know she's not talking about Scully. Come on. Shushies.  
  
TFO: SHUT UP!!!  
  
Zombie: Rreeww!!! (mutters) Ditz.  
  
ACT TWO  
SCENE ONE  
McRonalds  
  
(TFO is standing angrily in front of the table)  
  
TFO: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY SON?  
Mulder: Uh.. you already said that.  
TFO: I did? Whoa.. that's weird!  
Scully: So, Diana, who's your son? It can't be Mulder! I would never insult him that much!  
  
  
  
Fred: What the heck was THAT?  
Scully: Don't worry. Diana's perfume is making you hallucinate. It's perfectly normal.   
  
TFO: All right!! Fred is my son!!  
Fred: NOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
TFO: You know, stuff hurts when it hits you.  
Fred: Really??  
  
Mulder: Who's the dad?  
Fred: Yeah, who's my dad??  
TFO: Uh.... well... um..   
  
SCENE TWO  
RIKKI LAKE  
THREE DAYS LATER  
  
(TFO, CSM, Spender, Skinner, Krycek, Mulder, Scully, and Fred are at the stage)  
  
Rikki: Hi! Welcome to Rikki Lake! Today our topic is: "Governmental Conspiracies and the Fatherless Child from a UFO Who Tries to Cover it all up"! Diana here is the mother of Fred, but we don't know who the father is. These men may each be the father, but they're all locked into a deep, dark governmental conspiracy! Isn't that romantic? And Scully here thinks she knows who it is! But only DNA testing will prove!  
  
Scully: There is a small chance that the DNA testing will prove to be--  
  
Rikki: That's nice! Now, let's see the results!  
  
(an envelope is handed to Rikki and she opens it. Mulder nods to Scully and they both leave the building)  
  
Rikki: Oh my gosh!! This is so weird!! The results say that the father is--  
  
(The builing blows up)  
  
  
  
Scully: What WAS that?  
Mulder: I don't know!  
Scully: Well, the truth is out there, but if we said anything then we'd be breaking copyright laws!! Heh heh! Let's move to Iceland!  
Mulder: Yeah! Then I can write my book about Governmental Conspiracies and the Fatherless Children From UFOs who Try to Cover it all up!  
Scully: Hey Mulder, they're having a sale on Venetian Blind Shower Curtains! Wanna go?  
Mulder: Sure! You can never have enough Venetian Blind Shower Curtains!!  
  
  
  
Zombie: Okay, that was scary!! What's with the flying monkeys?  
Scully: I don't know!!  
Mulder: Hey, maybe we're all going crazy!! See ya later!  
Zombie: Okay... bye Mulder and Scully!  
  
(And so, Mulder and Scully skip happily into the sunset, only to fall off a cliff into their inevitable doom. Just kidding!! Haha! I had you! Don't worry kiddies, they fell onto a matress! They're okay!! Hey, by the way, there's a sale on flying monkeys! Anyone wanna come with me??)  
  
THE END!!  
  
_________________  
*cringes and throws up* Please, kill me. 


	3. More Even Worse Doom!

AN: Why am I posting these, you may ask? Well, they're prequels of a sort to an ACTUALLY GOOD story I wrote.. *g* Bear with me, will yeh?  
  
Plague! THE SEQUEL!  
  
SCENE ONE:  
LONDON, ENGLAND  
MAD SCIENTIST'S LAB  
  
(Mad Scientist is an old guy with white hair. Looks like Einstein. MS is hurriedly rushing around lab, laughing evilly)  
  
MAD SCIENTIST: Muahahaha!!!! My work of horror is almost complete! Soon I will have the power to depopulate the whole world! Even myself, but I'll fix that later.  
  
(MS runs to cryofreezer and takes out small box. Inside is a frozen tick)  
  
MS: This is the last tick in the world that carries the bubonic plague!! Once I add the tick to this mixture, the plague will be ready!  
  
(Doorbell rings. MS offhandedly throws tick in general direction of mixture, but misses it by an inch)  
  
SCENE TWO  
DIANA FOWLEY'S APARTMENT  
SOMETIME IN NOON  
  
(The Fowl One is sitting at her Discount K-Mart computer looking through a web page. Suddenly, she jumps up and gasps aloud)  
  
TFO: Gasp! A mutated virus of the bubonic plague has been found in England! Horror! Wait! I know! I'll use this as bait so Mulder will have to help me! And he'll have to leave that annoying Dana Scully behind. Heh heh. Then I'll have him all to myself!  
  
(runs over to phone and dials Mulder's number)  
  
SCENE THREE  
THE X-FILES OFFICE  
SOMETIME AROUND 3:00 AM  
  
(Mulder is sitting at his desk throwing pencils at the ceiling. He is waiting for an important call)  
  
(phone rings, and Mulder hurridley snatches it up)  
  
Mulder: Scully? Is that you??  
TFO: No, Mulder, It's me!!   
Mulder: (obviously disappointed) Oh.. it's just you. What do you want? I have an important call coming in. This had better be good.  
TFO: It is important! I found out that a mutated version of the Bubonic Plague is running amok in London!  
Mulder: (disgusted) I don't believe that. Why are you making this up?  
TFO: (sad) I'm not! It's true! I need your help on this, Mulder!!  
Mulder: (even more disgusted) Sure, sure, whatever. Listen, I have an important call coming in and I'm sure that if it was true, I would have heard about it already. Thank you and goodbye. (hangs up phone)  
  
Mulder: Stupid woman.  
  
SCENE FOUR  
LONDON, ENGLAND  
TIME: UNKNOWN. TFO DOESN'T WEAR WATCHES.  
  
(TFO is wearing a really tacky purple suit with huge green polka dots on it. She is holding a box and standing on the doorstep of the Mad Scientist's house)  
  
(TFO Knocks)  
  
MS: (opens door) Yeah, what do you want?  
TFO:(huge fake smile) Hi, I'm selling Avon Products. Would you be interested in buying this lovely ceramic glow-in-the-dark clown?  
MS: Are you sure you're an Avon Salesperson?   
TFO: Yeah, why?  
MS: Not even an Avon Salesperson would be dressed that tackily. Are you on anything?  
TFO: (haughty) What's that supposed to mean??  
MS: (quickly) Nothing. Now, why are you really here? You're no Avon Salesperson. Are you after me for that explosion and the deaths of 3,000 people that I tested my new bubonic plague mutation that was mentioned on many webpages that you may have seen?  
TFO: What are you saying?  
MS: Read between the lines, idiot!! Do you want to see my bubonic plague mutation??  
TFO: Uh.. sure.  
MS: Right this way.  
  
SCENE FIVE  
INSIDE THE LAB  
LONDON, ENGLAND  
SOMETIME AROUND 3:00 PM  
  
(The MS and TFO are in the small entrance before the cryofreezer.)  
  
MS: (hands TFO plague) Here you go. Don't open it, or you'll die. Call me if you need anything. Okay? Do I need to repeat that? Don't...open... it.... or.....you'll....die. Understand?  
TFO: I think so.  
MS: (mutters) Idiot. (walks away)  
TFO: Now what did he just say?   
(looks down at her shoes.)  
TFO: Oh well. I'm sure it doesn't matter. Hey, I wonder what will happen when I open this? (opens it) Wow. Pretty neat. Heh heh.. makes me feel lightheaded.. whooo hooo!!  
(TFO stupidly dances around the room for a minute, then starts hacking her lungs out.)  
TFO: I think I'm *cough* going to *hack* die soon! *wheeze*  
  
(suddenly, TFO dies, and Mulder and Scully enter the room)  
  
Mulder: (has gun and is doing the normal stakeout thing) Freeze! Heh heh, get it Scully? There's a cryofreezer over there and I said Freeze! Ha hahah!  
Scully: (winces) I get it Mulder, but it's not funny. (notices Fowley in the corner) Hey look! Fowley's dead!  
Mulder: OH YEAH!! (dances around the room, grabs Scully and dances some more)  
Scully: Good. There's one more distraction out of our way.  
Mulder: Hey, Scully, now we can take that vacation to Bermuda!   
Scully: Okay!  
  
And so, Mulder and Scully happily skip off into the sunset, leaving TFO's dead and decaying carcass by the cryofreezer (heh heh). 


	4. Really, Really BAD Doom!

AN: I know getting the bubonic plague isn't as simple as I have it depicted here. Shoot me. I was in 7th grade when I wrote this.  
  
PLAGUE  
PART TWO  
  
  
SCENE ONE  
THE MAD SCIENTIST'S LAB  
NOON  
  
(MS is dancing around lab, when all of a sudden, he trips over Diana's dead   
body)  
  
MS: Ohmygod!! That bimbo sniffed the plague!! All those years of research   
just went down the hole!! Great!! Now I'll be blamed for another death! And   
this time, it wasn't even my fault! I've got no choice but to revive her and   
extract the plague from her system. I'm gonna hate myself for this.....  
  
SCENE TWO  
FBI CAFETERIA  
NOON  
  
(Mulder and Scully are sitting at a lunch table. Mulder is nervously poking   
his lunch with a fork, seeing if it is alive. Scully is doing an autopsy on a   
fish stick)  
  
Scully: Mulder, this fish is artificial!  
Mulder: (laughs) Fish!! Artificial!! Get it Scully? Hahahahahaha!!!!  
Scully: Um, sure Mulder.   
  
(Mulder's cell phone rings)  
  
Mulder: Well, at least I can know in peace that after that lovely vacation in   
Bermuda, that Diana will never call me!!  
(picks up phone) Hello?  
TFO: Mulderrr!!!  
Mulder: D'OH!!!  
TFO: (sugary sweet diabetic coma voice) Oh Mulder, I knew that we were always   
meant to be together!!! I love you Mulder!!! I really do!!!  
Mulder: (really disgusted) Is that all?? I have BETTER things to DO you KNOW,   
unlike YOU who has NOTHING to do but CALL ME on the PHONE and DECLARE your   
LOVE for ME even though you KNOW that I HATE your GUTS. Even MORE than that!  
TFO: So that's a yes, right?  
Mulder: (even more disgusted) Go off with your boyfriend CSM or something.   
(punches off button on cellphone)  
  
Scully: (raises her eyebrows and sings) It's the return, of The Fowl One...   
it's the interplanetary death way...  
Mulder: How did she un-kill herself...  
(M&S at same time)  
THE MAD SCIENTIST!!!  
  
SCENE THREE  
MAD SCIENTIST'S PLACE  
ONE O' CLOCK  
  
(Scully knocks on door. MS opens it)  
MS: Hey, if this is about the cow carcass laying in the middle of the subway   
track.. that wasn't entirley my fault.  
Mulder: What?  
MS: (quickly) Nothing! So, what can I do to help you?  
Scully: Um, we're looking for a certian bimbo. You may recognize her from   
such posters as "Throw her away" and "How not to raise your child".  
MS: Oh yeah.. her.. well.. umm...  
Mulder: (angrily grabs MS by the shirt) Where is she??!!?!??  
MS: You *want* to find her and HELP her????  
Mulder: Nah.. I just wanna find her and torture her.  
MS: Oh yeah. Well. I needed the plague, so I had to revive her and draw it   
out of her system.  
Scully: Oh, so all we have to catch is the bimbo, right?  
MS: Not so easy. If you will follow me, then I will explain. (walks into lab   
part. M&S follow)  
  
MS: (walks up to computer console) Okay now. First I need to enter the code.   
(punches buttons. nothing happens)  
Scully:.. umm....  
MS: (kicks computer) Piece of K-Mart crap! I should never go discount   
shopping again!! AUgh!  
Mulder: So, does that mean that you can't tell us what's wrong with her? I   
mean, that's okay.  
MS: Noo.. the computer console part was just something I threw in there to   
make it look like I was actually doing work instead of sitting on my butt all   
day and staring at the ceiling... but yeah. I can still tell you.  
Scully: Well?  
MS: She has two actually. She has tics all over her body. She's kinda...   
twitchy...and she's itching. All over.  
Mulder: (rolls on the floor laughing) Hahahahahahahahahahahaaaa!!!Ticks!!!   
Hee heheheheheeee!!!   
Scully: No Mulder, not those ticks.  
Mulder (stops laughing and looks up at her.) Awww... darnit. I know!! Maybe   
aliens did it!! Oh my gosh!! ALIENS!!! SAMANTHA!!! REPRESSED MEMORIES!!!   
AUUUUUGHHHHHHH!!!  
Scully: (rolls eyes) It's okay Mulder, it's okay Mulder, it's okay Mulder,   
it's okay Mulder.  
Mulder: Okay. (stands up) Let's go find the ditz.  
Scully: Okay!  
  
SCENE FOUR  
TICK TOCK, IT'S THREE O' CLOCK, MOM IS GETTING DRUNK...OOPS.  
CROWDED STREETS OF HAWAII  
  
(Mulder and Scully are dodging Japanese tourists wearing loud Hawaiian shirts   
and cameras around their necks left and right)  
  
Scully: How did we get here? We didn't even take a plane!  
Mulder: I dunno.. but I thought that commerical for Hostess Cupcakes was   
funny.  
Scully: Hey, there's a woman who's twitching!! All over! That must be Diana!  
Mulder: Let's go throw rocks at her!  
Scully: Okay!  
  
(Mulder and Scully spend five minutes looking for rocks and then realize in   
dismay that kids have already thrown all the rocks at Diana.)  
  
Scully: Well... I guess we'll just have to go and talk to her.  
  
(They walk over to Diana, who is madly twitching and scratching her arm like   
there is no tomorrow)  
  
TFO: What???!?!??? Oh Mulder! It's you! I knew you loved me!!!  
Mulder: No. You need to stop spreading this itching virus around people....   
you're making them uncomfortable.  
TFO: But don' t you love me????? I love you Mulder!!!   
Mulder: (yawns) That's nice Diana. Hey, Scully! Wanna get a milkshake?  
Scully: Okay!  
(Mulder and Scully happily skip off into the sunset)  
  
TFO: Aww.. they left me here again!!! Hey.. stop taking pictues of me!!   
What's your problem??? Stop!! Quit it!! STOP!!  
  
(TFO cringes into the fetal position while she is repetedly flash-blinded by   
the flashes of cameras of the Japanese tourists)  
  
TFO: NOOOO!!!!!! I'll..... be..... back.......  
  
(TFO dies)  
  
(Music plays. Happy polka music. Floats and parades start coming down the   
street. People are carrying banners that say "Celebrate Diana Death Day!" The   
happiness lasts for many, many, minutes.)  
  
Scully: Hey Mulder, wanna go to McDonalds?  
Mulder: Sure!!  
  
(They happily stroll out into the night....past many flying saucers which   
Mulder of course, never notices)  
  
THE END!! 


End file.
